I feel now that I must be an old soul. I feel jaded, and cashed. And as far as this current life goes, I'm being eaten away at by nostalgia. I want to go back and relive '05 and '06. And even farther back, I even want to revisit parts of my early childhood. Nothing is familiar to me any longer, and I feel out of place. It tears me up inside, to see that all of the people I've known for years have forgotten themselves, or at least to a certain extent(not really sure what I'm trying to say there). But this is slowly killing me. Sometime back in November of last year, I was walking home, up in Lexington, and for some reason it felt like at that moment, if I walked into my house, right then, things would be the same as they had been about a year before that, I wouldn't know the pain of little nostalgic teases and the feeling of detachment from all things that make me who I am. I understand that life can change as often as a car turns a corner, but what happens when the car tries to do a 180 at 100 miles an hour. Thats where I'm at right now. Wrecked. I put on a facade to interact with society and make everyone believe everything is fine, I've grown quite good at it. But it feels so fake, and I realize, looking back, that I'm not the same person at all. The sunglasses that block the sun also hide the damage in my eyes. I try to reconnect with my former self, only to find that it is a shadow I left in the park. A face that I left in the mirror. How can I go back now. I'm not trying to live in the past, only to reconnect with my true self. I find myself cold in the most unpleasant way. I have been fucked with since then. I have also had my heart and soul torn to shreds, and had to glue the pieces back together myself. And speaking of glue, a small bit of lyric in a new song I'm working on:
"I can't be the glue, that holds you all together
You've got to find the strength within yourselves
To brave the stormy weather"
Really not sure what is going on, I am strong and shielded within myself, but I hate to be alone. Even good memories haunt me because I am uncertain of whether or not I will ever feel that way again. Time seems to go by so fast, and every time I realize a month has passed in the blink of an eye, I feel further disconnected. A whole year has disappeared, and it feels like it has been no time at all. I continue to walk this road, numb inside, and bitter. Has anyone been through this type of thing and made it back to normal?